Boctor
Boo and the Bahhleks
(Any resemblance to classic BBC fiction is purely coincidental, no honest it is mate, I bought it daahn the pub from this giza see)
(Any resemblance to classic BBC fiction is purely coincidental, no honest it is mate, I bought it daahn the pub from this giza see)
Two humanoids are captured by two Bahhleks on a quarry like planet. The humanoids who happen to speak English are escorted up a shiny path by the two Bahhleks, who conveniently also speak English and give the following traditional commentary;
"WALK FORWARD, PUT YOUR WEAPONS DOWN, MOVE"
"IF YOU TRY TO ESCAPE YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED"
The two characters reluctantly put down the polystyrene logs they were brandishing, look slightly embarrassed and trudge off up the path as indicated by the monotonic ones.
On entering the arbitrary craft/military installation/corridor store, one Bahhlek motions toward a small cell with no windows.
"ENTER, MOVE"
"YOU WILL BE INTERROGATED, RESISTANCE IS FUTILE"
The cell door shuts and the two Bahhleks turn to each other;
"DID YOU SEE THAT STUPID HUMANOIDS LONG SCARF, DRAGGING ON THE FLOOR, WHAT A FASHION VICTIM"
"CALL THAT FASHION, HE COULD HAVE A NASTY ACCIDENT IF HE TRIPS OVER IT, HE REALLY OUGHT TO BE MORE CARE FULL"
"STILL, THAT OTHER ONE LOOKED NICE, YOU KNOW THE VULNERABLE ASSISTANT TYPE, VERY NICE INDEED"
"ER YOU PERV, FANCYING ALIENS JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE A NICE ARSE"
"I NEVER MENTIONED HER ARSE YOU SOD, MIND YOU IT WAS QUITE PERT NOW YOU COME TO MENTION IT"
At that moment there is a high pitched warble and a short hiss from inside the cell
"HERE, NIGEL, DID YOU HERE THAT, I BET THAT'S THE TALL ONE PLAYING WITH THAT BATTERY POWERED BIRO HE HAD, OH THE DOORS STUCK"
"OH SHIT I DARE SAY HE'S JUST BUGGERED UP THE ENTRY PANEL SO WE CAN'T GET IN, I AM BLOODY PISSED OFF WITH THEM SODDING ALIENS DOING THAT, I ALWAYS SAID IT WAS A CRAP SYSTEM, I'M NOT BLOODY FIXING IT AGAIN, WHY CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A SODDING GREAT BOLT ON THE OUTSIDE, MUCH EASIER"
"I SUPPOSE WE'LL HAVE TO CUT REALLY SLOWLY THROUGH THE DOOR TO GET IN LIKE WE ALWAYS DO, MIND YOU THERE IS NO POINT HURRYING BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW FAST YOU DO IT, SODS BLEEDING LAW YOU ALWAYS GET IN THERE JUST AS THEY DISAPPEAR THROUGH THAT VENTILATION DUCT"
"WHAT THE ONE WITH THE EASILY REMOVABLE MESH COVER"
"YES WE REALLY OUGHT TO WELD THAT FECKER ON NEXT TIME, THAT WOULD STOP THEM, ILL TELL THE COMMANDER"
"OH YEAH, TRYING TO GET INTO HER GOOD BOOKS ARE YOU"
"NO NEED, DEARDREY IS A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY YOU KNOW, OH YES"
"I DIDN'T KNOW HER FIRST NAME WAS DEARDREY " at this point there is a muffled ripping rending sort of noise "OH GOD NO"
"WHAT'S HAPPENED"
"I'VE FARTED, AGAIN, IT MUST BE THAT BALTI I HAD LAST NIGHT"
"OH FOR HEAVENS SAKE BRIAN, THAT REALLY STINKS, OH I WISH THESE THINGS HAD AIR CONDITIONING"
"OR A SUN ROOF" the sound monotonic coughing fills the corridor
At this unfortunate juncture the commander Bahhlek arrives
"WHERE ARE THE PRISONERS..... BRIAN HAVE YOU FARTED AGAIN"
"SORRY COMMANDER"
"THAT THE LAST TIME YOU COME ON THE DEPARTMENTAL BEER AND CURRY EVENING, NOW WHERE ARE THE FECKING PRISONERS, SPECIALLY THE TALL ONE WITH THE LONG SCARF AND THE NICE ARSE"
"AH" said Nigel the non flatulent Bahhlek
"OH DON'T TELL ME THEY BLOODY ESCAPED AGAIN, RIGHT I WANT YOU TO WELD UP THAT VENT GRILL AND BRICK OVER THE CONTROL PANEL, WHY THE HELL THE CONTRACTORS PUT A CONTROL PANEL ON THE INSIDE OF A CELL I'LL NEVER KNOW"
"CONTRACTORS, WHO WERE THEY THEN"
There now follows a short embarrassed pause where the commander weighs up the pros and cons of telling the truth.
"BOVIS"
"SO THAT'S WHY THE WALLS WOBBLE"
"GET THE TOOL KIT AND GET ON WITH IT"
With that the commander glides off
Brian puts his sink plunger against a near by panel which opens to reveal a cantilever tool box
"BOLLOCKS, NIGEL I THINK WE'LL NEED SOME HELP"
"AH I'VE GOT AN IDEA, THERE IS AN EMERGENCY GENERAL PURPOSE TOOL BEHIND THOSE RED PANELS"
"AH HA, RIGHT THEN, WHAT'S IT SAY, 'TO ACCESS TOOL BREAK GLASS' WELL I THINK I CAN MANAGE THAT, AFTER ALL I'M A FECKING BAHHLEK, A BIT OF GLASS SMASHING SOUNDS RIGHT UP MY STREET"
With that Brian pushes his rubberised appendage against the panel, to no avail, then he tries a swing at it but simply bounces of violently. In desperation he decides to really take a good swing at it and so starts to rotate faster and faster until as a blur he valiantly smashes his sink plunger at the panel, unfortunately the rubber appendage bounces of with significantly more violence, Brian abruptly comes to a dizzying halt and his much abused plunger gently cracks and wilts about half way along.
"OHHHHH, SHHHITTTT NOOOOOO BLURFFF" poor Brian has just vomited in his already soiled machine.
"BRIAN I THINK YOU'VE BLOCKED YOUR VENTS"
"PISS OFF I DON'T FEEL VERY WELL"
"ITS ALL RIGHT ILL OPEN IT" Nigel the unsoiled one glides in front of the panel, aims his weapon and fires a sort sharp burst of light "OH BUGGER" as the shards of glass fall to the floor to reveal the smouldering wreckage of the housing where the general purpose tool once sat, a space now occupied by a small lump of molten metal "I MIGHT OF OVER DONE THAT ONE, I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE TOUGHER THAN THAT"
"WELL THAT'S PROBABLY CAUSE I PROBABLY LOOSENED IT A BIT, PROBABLY, WELL I MIGHT HAVE"
"YOU DO TALK CRAP, THE ONLY THING THAT'S LOOSENED IS YOUR GRIP ON REALITY"
"OH NIGEL, YOU CAN BE A REAL ARSE SOME TIMES"
"SORRY MATE, LOOK ILL GET ANOTHER GENERAL PURPOSE TOOL THEN I CAN LOOSEN YOUR LID A BIT AND LET SOME FRESH AIR IN, AND MAY BE HELP SCRAPE SOME OF THE LUMPS OUT"
"CHEERS"
Nigel glides to another panel and with a shorter but possibly sharper shot smashes the glass neatly to reveal the much sought after and much needed general purpose tool, he stares at it in wonder
"BOLLOCKS" he explains, as he gases Upon a Swiss army knife, Brian manages to squeak his way over to see what the problem is but the shock has an unfortunate effect on him,
"FFFRRRRRRRTTTTPTH"
Next issue may contain bad language
Written by Ralph Hosier exclusively for the DBDC magazine
Ralph Hosier